“I wanted to let others know I could speak English.” I was taken aback when I heard Lee say one of his reasons for marrying a White woman was to let others know that he spoke English. Lee had a little shy and silly smile and did not seem to notice my surprise. I have met many Asian-mixed interracial couples the past twenty plus years as a clinician and lay person. I have heard and read so many different reasons why Asian men married non-Asian women; however, it never occurred to me that the power of language played a role in promoting a sense of safety and belonging to Asian men married White women. I asked Lee to tell me more about his experience with language.
Microaggressions
Like many immigrant children, Lee had to learn English quickly to survive in the United States. He was frustrated with people commenting on him about his English proficiency. “Wow, you speak very good English!” Just like many other forms of microaggressions, this type of statement could be intentional or accidental, but it is still a form discrimination. What the person implied was “you speak very good English for a foreigner/Asian/immigrant.” He said that he must “prove” that he could speak English. By marrying a White woman, he has already “proved” that he can speak good English, he said. Then, he smiled awkwardly and said, “It sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I know it’s silly.” A part of me deeply understood and empathized with him because I have also experienced numerous microaggressions related to language. A part of me was still puzzled about his reasoning and his inner world connected to the language. I asked him more.
Power
The underlying function of language was a sense of power for him. He wanted to prove that he was smart enough to master English. By marrying a White woman, he was showing the world that he could “win” over a dominant people group. He knew he could not be White, but it felt like he was one when he was married to a White woman. This sense of assimilating into White identity is common among many Asians. Kim (1981, 2001) proposed the Asian American Identity Developmental Model, which is composed of five stages: the ethnic awareness stage, White identification stage, awakening to social political consciousness stage, redirection stage, and incorporation stage. Other ethnic groups identity developmental models do not have a stage or a characteristic in which individual wants to become White-like (White identification). It is understandable that Lee wanted to identify as White by marrying a White woman so that he could gain power that he had not experienced before. Language was a vehicle for him.
A Sense of Belonging
Lee continued to share about his underlying function of language when he was married to his wife. He said that he wanted to feel a sense of belonging in this society. He often felt that he was an outsider, and he did not feel like he belonged to his ethnic community either. When he came to the United States at 13 years old, everything changed, and he often wished he could go back to his home country. By marrying his wife, he could be a part of a dominant White society. As I also felt ostracized by my ethnic group, I could identify with his longing and desire to feel a sense of belonging. I felt his pain. There was silent between him and me. I was curious whether he feels belonged now. I wondered what would feel like to have a sense of belonging to a “dominant” group. Regardless of my own curiosity, it made sense to me why he was married to a White woman beyond the reason of language.
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