I do not even know why I was afraid and what I am scared of when I think of my “potential” person. I miss you, Joe. I wish you could tell me what I am afraid of and what I need to do about it.
Searching for our soul mate, husband, boyfriend, and significant other is undoubtedly one of the most exciting and terrifying time of our lives. I like to call my soul mate, “my person.” I used to believe that I do not need to “search” for my one and only “person.” After I lost my person, I have been revising my belief about the connection between two people.
A couple of weeks ago, I met someone, Joe. I know you know about my potential person (PP). He makes me laugh. I know you were with me, Joe when I was with PP. He does not know you yet. I started to feel scared of being disappointed, measured, and then eventually forgotten. I did not know that I need to search, listen, and feel my person actively. It sounds quite simple, doesn’t it, Joe? I wonder whether I would feel the same way if I were to continue to meet you in person. I do not think you would be my person. You are my person in my head and heart walking beside me. I want to find a replica of you with a warm and kind heart and soul. That would be my person. He needs to know how to communicate with you because you are an essential element of me and G and I.
Joe, when do you feel fear? What were you afraid of when I met you? What was it that I saw in your kind deep blue eyes? Fear is one of the foundational human response, triggering the fight, flight, and freeze. There is nothing pathological about fear itself. It is a primary human response that we all automatically respond to for our survival. I was frozen entirely last night when I met my PP. I had doubt and fear all over me by the time I came home after completing my PP. I took a deep breath, seeking aid from my parasympathetic nervous system: one, two, and three deep breaths. Close my eyes. Visualize my riverside—another deep breath. I gave myself a warm hug. Gentle touch to my shoulder and arm as if you would touch me that way. I had a glass of cold water. I wish my fear would go away when I practice what I usually teach my client. Yet, I felt pain in my kidney-side.
In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), fear is related to the kidney, a Water element. You see, I love water. I am a Water element. Most of the time, I am as gentle as still water. It’s similar to a vast reservoir, preserving water and providing a source of energy for the entire city when I think about myself as a Water element. The transformative power of water fascinates me, and I want to be like water, Joe. There was no fear in it back when I was young. In my recent experience with flooding at my home, I became fearful of water’s destructive power. It was the simultaneous transition of beauty/evil, stillness/destruction, and Yin/Yang. However, I felt life-threatening fear from my experience of being hospitalized in a psychiatric unit because I was misidentified, and the system did not allow me to go home. Ever since then, I have pain in my lower hip and right side of the kidney area.
I wonder whether my fear manifested in my pain, significantly damaged my kidney function. In TCM, the kidney is related to fear, which is a water element. Thus, as a Water element myself, fear is supposedly familiar with me, and I could be prone to feel fear. Fear could mislead my judgment. This year, I am sure that my traumatic summer positively impacted my whole body functioning, especially my kidney, where my Pre- and Post-essence are stored. Joe, I beg you one more time. Please be with me when I need to discern my fear over PP is a reality or not.
Mending Hearts Academy 