“I hate to be like a rapist.” He looked away and was silent for a while. I let his silence fill the space between me and him. As always, the space between me and him was heavy, and I felt tears welling up. I felt sadness and anger at the same time. I wonder how he felt. As if he knew what I would ask, he broke the silence by saying, “I am stupid.” I took a deep breath and found my inner balance while I was searching for his eyes. I said, “Tell me more.”
My client, Sam, is a mid-30 years old, cis-gendered Korean 1.5 generation married to a late 20s White cis-gendered woman, Jane. Sam is the first Korean American male who came to see me for his out-of-control sexual behaviors; thus, Sam taught me more than I learned in any kind of sexual health education program so far. Most importantly, he silently challenged my individualistic sex therapy training, and I am forever grateful. Last session, we talked about the definition and meaning of “sexual health.” One was about consensual sex. He said his wife told him that she did not give him consent for sex. He felt guilty because having sex with a non-consensual wife meant that he was a rapist. He saw a crime drama where a husband had sex with his non-consensual wife. First time in his life, Sam was surprised to think his sex with his non-consensual sex was considered rape. Regardless, Sam wanted and had to have sex, not only because he was “sexually frustrated” but also because he wanted to have a child. He is the oldest son in his family. This couple has a long history of complicated sex life for both of them as an individual and as a couple. It all made sense once I heard about his development of sexual identity and a glimpse of his wife’s sexual experiences. No one could blame them for their stuck cycle of sexual intimacy.
What is Consent
I talked to him about the subject of consent. According to the Oxford Dictionary, consent means permitting something to happen or agreement to do something. Historically, consent can be revoked if one has more power, as in the master and servant relationship. Even if the servant gives his/her consent, the master can revoke it. In modern times, consent occurs between people who have equal power in their relationship. Consent implies two parties are in an equal power position. The mutual party needs to say yes to whatever they are about to agree to do. Contrarily, if two have unequal power, the activity is not consensual. In fact, it could be illegal at times. For example, a child can’t consent to sex with an adult.
The Cultural Lens of Consent
From a cultural perspective, consent addresses horizontal relationships in individualistic cultures, which emphasizes individual’s choice and equality. If both people give consent, it’s healthy and mutual. When mutual consent is not given, it is violent. In Collective culture, the vertical relationship is also essential in giving consent. Vertical relationship emphasizes the concentration of control and responsibility according to status and authority, which promotes collective harmony. When people give mutual consent and collective consent, the consent meets the divine need. In Confucianism, the match between parents and children is by heavenly/divine rules (천륜, Cheon Lyun, 天倫 ), and the couple matching is by human duties [인륜 (In Lyun, 人倫)]. People must follow Ways [도(Do, 建)] while seeking divine rules.
In Sam’s case, since he is the oldest son, he needs to consider more than mutual individual consent. It is now implicit nature in him (Collective Domain-High VC, High HC). He needs to follow human duties as a sexual being while trying to seek divine rules. Jane and Sam are in the explicit quadrant of consent in the diagram (Humanistic Domain-Low VC, High HC). If she were from Collective culture, especially Confucian culture, she would implicitly know Sam’s desire, obligation, and fear. In fact, Jane might feel more obligated and pressured to have a child; thus, Sam’s initiation of sex is welcomed. She may not want to have sex, but her willingness and her tacit learning point her to move to the sacrificial domain of consent. Even though there was no individual consent, it is not rape. It is not coerced sex or violence (Violence-Low VC, Low HC). She would know what it means to be in that sacrificial domain. However, for Jane, understanding Sam’s position is going to be challenging because both need to know and experience the sacrificial nature of consensual sex in the tacit quadrant (Sacrificial- Low HC, High VC). Sam’s experience of sacrificial consensual sex could help him expand his curiosity and patience with Jane.
Sam was little more at ease at the end of our meeting. At least, I hoped that the implicit power imbalance between the two is recognized by him that reinforces his lifelong experience of powerlessness. Who holds and defines “sexual health” anyways?
Mending Hearts Academy 