Happy rainy day, my friend, CS. It’s been exactly a week since I started to test out the dating app, Bumble. As you know, I have been reluctant to use online dating to meet people, although I met many couples who found their spouses through a dating app. The most challenging reason for me to try out the dating app was my hesitance from being screened “out” rather than “in.” The fact is that this “screening” process happens in any human relationship to a certain degree. Still, my numerous experiences from being “evaluated,” “labeled,” and “excluded” bring multiple layers of doubt and pain. In particular, my summer trauma from wrongfully evaluated and being admitted to the psychiatric unit for more than five days brought huge hesitance to my search for my “soul mate.” Of course, my fear of being judged “less” than others adds another layer of indecisiveness. Some might say it is insecurity. Is it? I already feel a slight sense of defensiveness, about to screaming at me. You know me more than anyone else, so I would not add any misinterpretation about the “insecurity” between Western and Eastern cultures now.
Let me get back to my experience of using Bumble. I learned about myself. I was glad that I had some time actually to engage in two men. While I was skimming through profiles, I noticed that I paid more attention to common interests than another social statuses, such as career. I did not know I forgot to add my brief bio in my profile. Skipping my bio was a better way. I could “screen out” men who might be more interested in my career. I look appealing on paper, don’t I? A Ph.D., business owner, adjunct faculty—aspiring doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine. Sugar Mama is the first word that I learned.
I have a history of being attracted by young men. I used to think that I tend to be a caregiver. It is not surprising that I love what I do as a counselor. It is my vocation. Regardless I do not want to become a caregiver, especially if I am labeled as “co-dependent,” “enabler,” or “addict.” Remind you, CS, although you know this well, our learned concepts of the boundary are permeable, flexible, and everlasting. After twenty years of our life living in too individualistic and autonomous social and cultural contexts, I know you have tremendous internal conflicts with our Being together. I am so sorry that I could not protect you, stand out for you, and be there for you when you were confused and unsure about yourself, CS. I am glad that I confirmed that I am a healthy, vital, lifesaving caregiver. You and I are in the right career field.
However, it is time to end this Bumble business, as you and I are both know. I am a busy bee, like a Bumblebee. I have my life to rebuild, including my relationship with you, CS. Let’s stick to getting to know more about these two people I met.
It was a busy week. My fingers were flying on my phone as if a bumblebee flies around the garden. Let’s remember they are active not only for themselves but for their colony. It was worth trying. Thanks to Bumble, making it comfortable for me to have more control over men’s selection. Thanks to the COVID-19, which limits my interaction with strangers. Talk to you soon. Let’s catch up with our lives together. We have a lot to do, lady. Let’s go!