Dear G, Memory loss & Shame I

Dear G, it has been cold. I wonder how the weather in Texas is and how you made it home by now. How did you decide to go back home? Do you have a memory of it?

A blessing or curse: memory loss
Have you had a time when you cannot remember what you did, where you were, and how you got there? You have glimpses of memory, but you have no memory of the most critical moment that could leave you distinctive scars. At least, that is my story. I met you a couple of days after the scarring moment of my life in 2020. You seemed to know what happened to you, especially about your abduction from England, your several boyfriends, moving to multiple places, and the government spying on you. The experiences of your life scared me. I thought that some parts of your story might be accurate. At least, some of your memories were similar to mine.

Fond memories
What was it like for you to live with those memories regardless of whether they are true or not? You see, I have three other times when I have no memory of the events before my summer experiences. The first one was when I was a freshman. I went on a freshmen orientation trip, and I was drunk. When I woke up, my friends told me that I was dancing in the middle of the street. It was a fun memory of me not having memory of me, being drunk, and dancing in the middle of the road because I would never do such things. The second time was when I had my first car accident in my junior year. Although I was in pain and shock, I got permission to go to school and finished my final. I did not remember how I got hit and everything else to this day. I had a quite fond memory of it, though. It was my only break where I did not have to worry about saving money for the next semester. I wonder whether my spleen was happy, for I did not worry about my tuition for the first time.

Communal emotion: Shame
I have a hard time sharing with you my third memory that I feel ashamed of it. I promise Dear G that I will share. Shame is not a part of emotions that Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) recognized as five emotions associated with foundational Yin/Yang organs. However, shame is not about your feelings about yourself. Shame is a social emotion that you worry about others’ perception of you, especially their disapproval of you. Shame is a communal emotion that exists in the context of community. Confucius does not often address guilt, whereas shame was frequently mentioned as a “beneficial” emotion to keep people in line. However, when shame deepens, it stagnates Qi and blood’s flow, just like other emotions.
Let me end here today, dear G. I wonder about your shame and guilt because I did not recall any of them from you. I remember your anger more than anything else. Let’s talk about anger next time, then return to shame.

Stay warm, my friend G
C.S. Taylor

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